Friday, August 19, 2011

Apocalypse Now Burger at Nosh Kitchen

I wonder how it would've changed my little day trip to Portland, Maine last week if Eater'd come out with this list beforehand. As it was, I had looked around Urbanspoon and found a few places with interesting menus. I had originally planned a day that involved a $20 burger and bacon dusted fries at Nosh Kitchen for lunch and foie gras poutine for dinner at Hot Suppa.

While allowing myself to eat a delightful lunch at Olea Cafe in Boston last week, I had a life lesson realization moment in which, for one thing, I decided that my plan was insane and wasn't going to happen but that instead I would be eating light things for most of that day and then having the $20 burger without fries for an early dinner.

Now, in reality I had breakfast at home, a cinnamon twist at a cafe with my coffee, accidentally stopped at a wonderful bakery immediately afterwards for third breakfast, ate a shit load of excellent samples at the amazing Whole Foods (damnit) in Portland as well as $4 worth of tiny scoops of irresistible foods from their buffet bars, stumbled across Shipyard Brewery's beer tour and thus had five sample cups of beer, and then finally had the $20 burger at Nosh.

I arrived at 5, so there were only a few patrons in the fairly spacious interior or outside at one of the 4 small tables. It was too dim for good picture-taking inside and wasn't well if at all air conditioned, so I opted to rest my weary legs at the smallest table outside, taking advantage of the breezes and decent Maine temperature.

"Thanks, just a water, and actually I already know what I want. I came here for the Apocalypse Now burger."

"Ah, gotcha. Did you wanna make that a double or a quadruple?"

I blinked. I can eat, I love to eat, and another day I might've polished off this entire beef and pork patty, american cheese, crispy pork belly, bacon, house made mayonnaise, cherry jam on a brioche behemoth plus a heap of bacon dusted french fries dipped in a whatever fattening, creamy dipping sauce I could get my hands on, but why on earth would anyone ever choose to terrorize his body by slapping on 1-3 additional slabs of beef and pork onto this already giant creature, thus muting the taste of the crispy pork belly, cherry jam and foie gras that you're paying so much for?!

Oh. Apparently, this happened:


This clip shows and tells you everything else you need to know about this place.  The size of the chef is worth a thousand words alone. Trader Joe's sells packs of bacon ends, by the way, and they're a delicious, fatty and less expensive bacon treat you can use at home in anything. Notice how Adam can't even get a full bit into his mouth at once, and thus can't ever experience the gestalt of everything going on with this masterpiece.

I laughed when my waitress explained most people who come for the Apocalypse go for at least a double, sending their burger prices up by $2.50 for each extra patty and 2 slices of cheese, for a potential $27.50 burger price tag, "No thanks, I didn't even know about the episode. I'll just have a single, thanks." Given what I can eat when I am actually hungry and allow myself to go off-diet crazy, I'd love a Girl vs. Food type show, but today, I wanted to maintain at least a semblance of reasonableness.

About ten minutes later, I had my burger:

APOCALYPSE NOW BURGER - Nosh patty/ American cheese/ crispy pork belly/ bacon/ foie gras/ mayo/ Cherry jam/ brioche bun $20 - Look at that fucking cheese ooze...
Pork belly...
Enter the Apocalypse
It was awesome. I could taste every part of the pig, as well as the contribution of the cow and the poor duck. The mayo and the cheese sent me into a creamy bliss (though I actually thought they could've stopped squeezing the mayonnaise tube about three fourths of a second earlier than they did. The cherry jam really was - and I just realized they were probably going for this - the cherry on top of this magnificent creation, taking the creamy/savory harmony to new heights by adding the voice of sweetness.

All that was left when I had finished eating was the grease that had dripped out of my sandwich.

I had been walking around, mostly outside, since my Megabus got in at 10 AM and had just sampled some beer, so I really needed water and had quickly finished mine by bite 2 of this burger, but my waitress never noticed, nor did she ever come around to ask me whether I needed anything. Finally, after I'd finished the burger and had slurped the last couple of droplets of melted ice out of my glass, she finally came out to attend to a new party of four at another table outside and, without even looking at me, set down a new glass of water on my table.

Was she giving me and my burger some privacy, a moment alone with each other? I could've used thee or four glasses of water right then, with that burger to wash down. I was tempted to write her a note and tip her a really low amount as I my fears about unwelcomeness and being perceived as a loser or weirdo, as "less than," were starting to arise in my mind as explanations of the inattentive service, thus causing me to enjoy my meal a bit less as words of insecurity were starting to flood my mind, but I really wanted to get along to the Portland Museum of Art (free on Fridays from 5PM-9PM and right across the street) with a decent amount of time before I had to leave to catch my 7:30 bus back to Boston, so I allowed my waitress to rush me though the credit card process (again, the restaurant was not at all busy right then, so I don't know why she should've been so negligent and rushy), and then I just decided to save a buck from the poor service by tipping $3 on a $20 tab instead of $4. The museum was pretty sweet, by the way.



Nosh Kitchen Bar on Urbanspoon