Diesel Cafe: Somerville: Davis Square

If you want to skip my account of the lesbian situation at Diesel, then all you need to know is that the espresso and coffee are great, as is the parmesan prosciutto scone. The cafe menu, on the other hand, gets you rather unimpressive food.

As a lesbian, I had been told for months that I needed to get myself to Diesel Cafe. Actually I'd been warned that Diesel was an unpleasant experience because a lesbian could expect to be eye-raped constantly by the myriad cute, young lesbians at the place, which I heard as "run don't walk!"

I finally made it there on a Monday afternoon last December for the first time. But the lesbians were nowhere to be found that day, other than one cute barista.

The cute barista made my friend a pretty mocha.

Espresso Rating 9/10 - Creamy, good bitter, almost perfectly flavorful

If the coffee hadn't been so good, the paucity of lesbians would've been more disappointing.

For some reason, the friend I was with that day had this photo on her phone, from a gas station in her small hometown in Texas.

On a Wednesday morning, there were a couple of sore-eye paliating baristas, but again, not very many lesbian patrons.

Egg and cheese on an Iggy Bagel ($4.30) plus sausage (+$1.50) = $5.80

They were out of jalapeno cheddar bagels, so I got an egg bagel for some egg on egg action, which, was the closest I came to lesbian action at the cafe.

Trip number three to Diesel was on a Wednesday at 5 PM. This time there were four lesbian baristas! And several cute lesbian patrons! I was actually too caught up with my amazing food and my conversation with my friends to get around to fishing for eye-rapeage (I know, I know, where are my priorities?).

This time I got a regular coffee, and it was so good! Normally I find coffee too weak compared to my beloved espresso, but this coffee was very nice! Then I ordered a prosciutto parmesan biscuit. The nice lesbian who took my order asked if I would like it heated up. "You can heat up my biscuit any time," I didn't say.

Prosciutto Parmesan Biscuit - like $2 or something

They're using a pizza oven for the job, nice! This was so good! So many herbs! So fluffy and dense and served at the perfect temperature and there were more lesbians here this time just like everyone promised and I love Diesel Cafe now yay I'm a convert!!

Another time I had one of their non-breakfast sandwiches:

The Bow: Smoked salmon, sun-dried tomato ricotta, sprouts, tomatoes and onion on brioche - $8.25

I'm finally getting less awkward at Diesel and successfully flirted a bit with the lesbian who took my order. Turns out it is pronounced like a bow tie (or the street nearby after which it's apparently named) and not the genuflection. Anyway I wasn't into the thick and airy brioche and the blunt creaminess of the ricotta. I've pretty much decided I'm generally not into their sandwiches, which are typical affairs, though I might get a wrap at some point.

That guy with the stuffed walrus (update: now a unicorn) was there (apparently Diesel's one of his main hangouts), and he's introduced himself and his stuffed animal to me a number of times at Trader Joe's, so I wound up getting into a conversation with him for a while.

On another Diesel adventure I was positively overwhelmed by the number of lesbians in attendance.

Nachos: Tortilla chips, black beans, avocado, cheese, salsa, and roasted garlic sour cream -$7.50

In my mind some type of meat had been listed there, but no. Damn. They were actually quite satisfying anyway. Everybody likes blue corn chips. The salsa wasn't half bad and the garlic sour cream was delicious. Give us some cilantro though, Diesel! And jalapenos! I squirted some Sriracha from the coffee bar on mine.

Peanut Butter Chocolate Brownie

The brownie (mostly moist and dense except a little crusty edge part) and the peanut butter were good, but the chocolate frosting on top was cray cray intense. I scraped a lot of the chocolate frosting off, but I still felt sick after eating the whole thing by myself like the freak with an unhealthy relationship to food that I am (update: was).

Diesel Cafe on Urbanspoon

On the shitty side: you have to pay for their wi-fi. It's $5/hr, $8/day, or $15/month. Oh well, go work on your novel and fuck the internet for a while/at least your smartphone can look the shit up you absolutely need.

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