Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Punta Teonoste - The Reality

We pulled in, and the place looked pretty nice.

There were two horses grazing on the property.

And it was generally pretty cute.


We got settled into our hut.

Our private outdoor shower


Our private outdoor restroom


So far so good! It was time for some fruity cocktails!



Thrilled that this place was actually cute and on a really nice, almost empty beach (just us and two other guests for about a mile), we were delighted by the pina coladas. Ask 'em to go light on the crema coco though).
 Even better was their "Julio Lopez" with Frangelico, pineapple juice, crema coco and amaretto (again with the crema coco).


The fresh ceviche was another success, though it still came with those stupid crackers.

At this point we looked at some brochures for the place. It turned out that if we'd wanted a massage, we should've brought $60-$90 cash for it. Arguably better than nothing was their gym, with some free weights and a dirty and rusted work out bench set, plus a partially deflated and dirt covered exercise ball and an ab roller, though to use it you'd have to lie down of the filthy floor, so. I snuck a peak at the massage rooms. It was probably a good thing we hadn't thought to bring cash with us. There would have been no Hawaiian lady, I'll guarantee you that. There were also no turtles at this Surf and Turtle resort. The brochure also promised board games, which they did have: Monopoly, chess, Checkers and Dominoes.

We ordered mojitos, and they still didn't know to muddle the mint, and we kept ordering various drinks, but they were all so weak, to the point that the Moscow Mule seemed to be lime and soda water, with no vodka or ginger ale either. We switched to straight rum, eventually, but they didn't have any of the good rums from the menu on hand.

Finally we switched to dirty Grey Goose martinis, which were delicious, but I'm glad I wasn't paying the bill we'd be receiving at check out. The next day, when we tried ordering two more of our favorite Julio Lopezes, five minutes later they told us they were out of pineapple juice, which means they'd had one can on hand when we arrived, and we'd used it up. At my suggestion, they made it for us with melon instead, though, and it was just as good, and even prettier, with a light orange color.

I really want to know how they knew to mention that the burger is "grass fed" on the menu.


 They said "yes of course" when we asked for it "medium rare, medio raro." Wanna guess whether this was "grilled to perfection"?


It was not. It was a thin, burnt hockey puck, served with iceberg, tomato slices, mustard and mayo with limp fries and ketchup on the side. We ordered it knowing it might be for the pregnant dog Shana felt sorry for, and it was.





Shana began ordering food especially for the dog. It actually became a bit of a problem. The dog was owned by a man across the street, and Shana wanted to sponsor her or buy her a year's supply of chickens or adopt her and bring her to the U.S.


"Let's just enjoy the sunset and some rum," said I.


12 chicken wings for $9 - The drumsticks were huge, and they were all tossed in some good buffalo sauce, served with random BBQ sauce and cucumber slices instead of celery. 
A guy plays music every night on his guitar and sings "My Way," "Piano Man," "Let it be" and such like.

Two hours after ordering lobster with some cognac sauce, at the bartender's recommendation, we received a devastation of overcooked, chewy as fuck lobster tail meat in a sickening cognac cream sauce with some potato and parsley and an unnecessary bowl of rice. I was too hungry and didn't want to waste the lobster they must have just sent someone to purchase for us. As it was, we ordered a serving for one and, being served two plates, wondered if we were about to pay for two. We did indeed. $30 and two lobster lives wasted.



Breakfasts started out nicely with fresh baked bread!

The menu lists espressos, americanos, frozen coffee beverages, lattes, you name it. Those taking your order will look at you like you're an idiot if you try to order anything other than coffee. These "double espressos" were worse than the toilet paper coffee we'd made in Sarajevo.


I ordered fried eggs over easy (we had a discussion confirming I wanted runny yolks), and got one over easy and one over hard. The menu said my meal came with hash browns, but in their place there were three unripe slices of star fruit. I asked the waitress for them when my plate came back without them, which seemed to confuse her, and then she came back and said she was sorry but they don't have hash browns. Shana gave me a look like, "Please don't get upset and try to fix this." They did bring me the pico de gallo I requested though, which was great.

Shana's pancakes were clearly Aunt Jemima's, which is fine, really. The menu promised an "assortment of seasonal fruits" with the pancakes, though, and she got the same three unripe star fruits. 


Let's take a beach porn break. This part was really nice.


We found lots of awesome shells.






Cilantro Ginger Sea Bass: Flavorless sea bass and way too much ginger 

Fish and Chips: Made from fresh caught fish, really good actually, light breading

Tostones were fine


Tipitapa snapper was covered in bull shit.

I tried ordering a side of this garlic jalapeno sauce for my fries, and I wound up getting a $12 entree of the garlic sea bass with the sauce on the side. I started to think they were pretending to understand us less than they really did in order to stuff our bill full of extra shit like this. They also had no bottled water. I was happy enough to drink the purified water from the bar, but every time Shana ordered a club soda, they brought one to both of us. That was another $11.20 they packed in.Whatever you do want to eat, order it 1-2 hours before you want it.


The omelette with country potatoes was oily and delicious. 

The French toast was made with that freshly baked bread and comes with rich honey. Oh look, one of the workers is peeing in front of us. This was the same morning we realized Shana had some kind of finger bump disease brought on by the stress of this vacation. We were glad to only be staying here for two days, glad to go back home tomorrow, so that we could go to the doctor. We had barely slept at all, with the one puny fan, the mosquito net tickling us, no bottles water on the inescapable resort, not to mention my diarrhea.

List of all diseases and losses from Nicaraguan trip:
-hives 
-diarrhea since Sunday 
-lost lip ring
-lost ball of upper earring
-scratched my Maui Jims
-bruised bones in three fingers and right leg
-twisted ankle
-whiplash
-holes in Shana's new shirts from barbed wire fences near sidewalk
-lost half of toenail and sliced left big toe open tripping on a pothole at night

Shana:"We should've went to Hawaii, or to anywhere else."
Me:"Should've Gone anywhere else."

Shana then proceeded to tip these jokers 10% of our inflated bill before realizing that they'd already added gratuity to it.