Sunday, April 1, 2012

-10/10 Burger Discovered at Roxbury's McDonald's


The day before I would be staying in a hotel in Roxbury for a medical research study in which I was participating, some friends and I had gotten into a conversation about the relative merits of fast food restaurants.  They, who all still eat fast food from time to time, were saying that, while Wendy's and Jack in the Box and others held some appeal, McDonalds really was total and utter crap.

Drawing from childhood and drunken college memories, I thought I was sure that, while all the major fast food chains were low quality, greasy, uninteresting, and ridiculously unhealthful, they could all be visited and enjoyed if one was ready to let oneself indulge in cheap and greasy but yummy low brow junk food.  The only reason I put this to a test was that there really was just no other option open near my hotel by the time my delayed flight got me into Boston.

When I entered the door, I saw that there was an ad for the McRib, and I thought, "Oh!  I can do a review of that! That's a thing."  I went up to the counter, ordered it and paid for it.  A minute later another woman informed the cashier and me that they weren't doing the McRibs anymore and they just hadn't gotten around to taking down the huge ad that faces everyone who enters the store.

They tried to get me to order something else that was exactly the same price ($2.99), but there really wasn't much that was the price or would've added up to it and anyway, what the fuck, I don't need to do that, just refund me the money for the mistake you made and then I'll see what if anything I want.

Finally, I decided to get a Chipotle Snack Wrap with no cheese and a McDouble.  I had an involved conversation with the cashier, to whom I explained I was lactose intolerant.  "Thus," I told her, "I can't digest American processed cheese."  I didn't have any Lactaid on me, so this was very important to me.  I asked if I could substitute the cheese for some lettuce and tomato. She said sure.  "Substitute," in my book, means that I won't be charged extra, since I was trading one thing for another, but apparently shredded lettuce is $.10 and tomato is $.30.  What the fuck ever.  At least she rang up the no ketchup and no cheese for me.

I went back to my hotel room with the McDonalds bag as well as the drink and snacks I'd purchased just before at a convenience store and laid my gatherings out, ready, as I so rarely get a chance to do, to relax in bed and watch some television, utilizing the nice bed tray with which the hotel furnished me for some eatin' in bed.

The spread
Chipotle BBQ Chicken Snack Wrap - $1.69

It was cold and all but flavorless, almost like they somehow purposefully suck the flavor out of every ingredient before it passes McDonalds muster.  "This tortilla has too much flavor, Bob, lower that down a notch... Ah, perfect."  At least they got the no cheese thing right.

Motherfuckers.  I paid $1.49 plus tax for this shit.

I had no choice but to try to remove the cheese myself.
Oh goddammit.

Presumably, they couldn't be bothered to make a new one, so they just gave me one of the old burgers that'd been under the oven for an hour already, judging by how luke warm it was, with the congealed "cheese" bullshit already soaked into the meat-ish patties.  You can see how feeble was my attempt at scraping that shit off.  I know they read the ticket because they gave me the lettuce and tomato.  This means that the asshole who put my burger together thought, "Fuck it.  That bitch won't even check it till she's outta here and she won't come back." And he or she was of course right.

It gave me none of the pleasure I recalled getting from a cheap McDonalds burger.  Never again, never fucking again.

Burger Rating: -10

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